'Serotonin', 48x60, Acrylic on cigarette foil on board, 2019. Sold Growing up in the 80's and 90's meant that (for those in the know) we were exposed to a myriad of transformations, new technologies, cultures and shifts in art, music styles, fashion and lifestyles. It was a time when (in accordance with mental health institutions and schools of psychology) 'being positive', 'awakening the giant within' and the 'laws of attraction' were being promoted and heralded as the way to be and think. Think positive! The invention of the Atari, Commodore 64, the Apple Macintosh, Windows 95 (PC computers), CD, VCD and DVD players - meant that consumer mindsets and habits had to change. I, for one, was on board with this. It was new, fun, interactive. But I was (and probably still am, in most circumstances) an introvert (with the learned exception of when I'm performing music, writing or engaged in sports). This meant that I would be okay sitting down by myself for long periods of time either tinkering with these new fangled contraptions, or just listening to music or playing board games with one or two close friends. This meant reading books, comics, encyclopaedias, drawing or working at house chores alone. Learning new things alone, was a norm. When you grow up like this, you find fascination, curiosity and interest in the most simplest of things : A piece of rock sheared off a mountain or hill. In the contours and designs of a specific leaf, or the forms of moss and lichen. The textures of paint on asphalt roads, or in the cracking and peeling of paint from weathered walls - All serve to inform the inner tapestry and visual language of an introvert. In other words, and introvert is somebody who is comfortable attending to his/her inner worlds. Yes, there exists a world inside us. One that begs to be questions, prodded, understood, made sense of, ruminated upon, tested in the external 'real world' its validity, theory or otherwise. A way of being that extroverts usually regard as being 'moody' or 'socially awkward'. Extroverts don't take into account these inner worlds as severely or instinctively as introverts do. For most introverts, they do not have a choice. It's not something you can turn off, or on, like a light switch or an oven. In short, extroverts do not recharge or rejuvenate in the face of solitariness. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. While some encounter discomfort, struggle and chaos being alone - I find calmness, peace, serenity and comfort. Just mediating and navigating my inner world brings about order and organization that's needed in times of chaos and turmoil. I think it's one of the main reasons why I choose to be alone on most days, over the need to be surrounded by other people. One cannot escape being with oneself, forever. There will be a time when all we have, are ourselves to contend with. The question is : Do you look after yourself like you would someone you love and cherish? Or do you criticise, blame, judge, reduce your inner self to shreds? And if so, why? 'Entropy', 48x48, Oil on aluminium, 2023, Sold Coming to terms with one's mortality, limitations, biases, needs and shortcomings, is an intrinsic problem and conquest. I applaud those that get down to do the dirty work. For one can only run and hide for so long. Everything that we experience in life is recorded somehow on a cellular level. It's what we make of it all; that matters. It's about perception and understanding concepts and patterns. First you acknowledge it. Then you accept it. And then you let it go.
And there's a lot of work to be done in the world with regards to this. Extroverts tend to like group settings or experiences that involve lots of people. It lifts them up. Generally labelled as brash, loud and gregarious. In certain aspects I carry the extrovert characteristic : In sports or when performing music or in writing. However, I believe that in order to be confident, we must master a skill. Without mastery of an art form, there's no point in braggadocio. The analytical, organisational and critical part of me is loud and clear on this one. I'm superseded by a voice that tells me to 'think before I speak' or 'learn and master what is important to you'. It's valid. The world loves extroverts. This is evident in our social media feeds, in the financial world, in business, entrepreneurship and in the art world (to a certain extent). However, for all the numerous and overly publicised extrovert behaviour, there exists a considerable - if not equal amount of introverts. Those who quietly toil away, chisel at, who contemplate, reflect, think, write about and ponder silently - their existences, choices and words. It was introverted bankers and financiers who pointed out fallacies and shortcomings, way before a stock market or housing bubbles crashed. It is those who have loud inner voices and consciences, that see things that others don't. Sometimes we all move too fast, don't we?
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Life surprises us sometimes. It appears when we reach the top of a mountain after a long climb. Or in the way plants and flowers bloom and grow undisturbed in unsuspecting places. Or in reaching the pinnacle of our goals and aims after much hard work and toil. Only to realize that there was nothing much to stress nor worry about in the first place. That we just needed to put one foot in front of the other. I'm delighted to announce that my work 'Ambidex' will grace the front cover of an upcoming comic book release. It's for the cult favourite, dystopian-noir-detective release called 'Bullet Gal', penned by a mate of mine, Andrez Bergen who lives and works in Japan. I believe the release will be a North American one and will be distributed for free. I am not sure how that will happen but I'm pleased that both front and back covers will feature my artworks. Growing up, I devoured comics and graphic novels. The visual language and storytelling amazed, perplexed and challenged me. It informed my drawing style, and I still resonate with it - to this day. There's nothing like observing and enjoying the fruits of hand drawn characters and worlds, which exist and comes to life in comic books. I was inspired by graphic novels like The Sandman (1989, Neil Gaiman, DC and Vertigo) and A Death In The Family (1998, Jim Starlin, DC Comics) and how these rarities were presented, marketed and executed. Totally grassroots. And epic. Of course, later on I discovered Ghibli movies as well as Japanese animes like Akira et al.
So I'm happy to contribute something back to the art form of comic publishing and to the creative people behind this industry. I'd suggest that you follow IF? COMMIX for the release of 'Bullet Gal : End Game' - If this is your cup of tea. I believe that if you feed your talent, it will in turn feed you. Take those calculated risks and reach for the stars. You may just make it with hard work and perseverance. 'Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you' - Khalil Gibran
2023 marks the year where my 2 children have finished and completed their SPM's. For those who live beyond Malaysia - SPM is the equivalent to the O Levels (somewhat), and something like the SAT's (perhaps). Man, only 10 years ago I can distinctly remember getting my kid ready for school, sending him off daily in the mornings, sorting my mornings with work, daily rituals and habits and then picking him up form school. Having lunches together and enjoying the rest of the day painting, playing lego or board games, awaiting dinners - And repeating these daily routines for a successive number of years. Well, that is all gone now, replaced with new rituals and habits. One has to learn to let go of the past - for in doing so, brings about new adventures and experiences. He is 17. And working now. And has a driving license. Which he uses to take my car out for excursions with his friends. Or to work. But somehow, still comes home to sleep, to be around and help out around the house and they (I have another kid, who is living with us whom I regard as a daughter) very honourably - take the time to do family things together, when asked. Outings, dinners and the like. They communicate and listen fairly well, are responsible and have good moral compasses. This stage of life, to me - Is about waiting. Waiting for the day they move out, find their voices and vocations. Spreading their wings. Which, will inadvertently happen sooner or later. One of the defining and driving reasons for this is to escape my constant (albeit important) nagging. Hah! It's the gap between being a school leaver and being a full fledged adult that this grinding, chiselling, reminding and shaping of the young mind is about. Without our parents we would be a shell of what we could ultimately be. And I think, that's what parents (for me, for sure) need to be reminded of. Our responsibility to nurture, push, harness, convince, bribe (hah!), thwart and to necessitate the unfolding and grooming that every young adult (or old child) needs. It's a responsibility and both a curse and a blessing to be in a position of this sort. Our voices will become their inner voices. So choose your words carefully and mindfully. And so while I wait, I count my blessings. And look back on a rough and tough, enlightening and amazing journey that has defined my past 10+ years. Both for me and for my children. Given the choice to do it again - I would do it the same way. With resilience, faith, mindfulness and with love and kindness. Of course, I was also brutal and forceful at times - But we all learn from our mistakes. And it is with utmost relief and appreciation that my kids know that I want the best for them. And everything that I did or did not do, was for the greater good. Having written that - yes, the 'best' could mean an infinite number of things. Sometimes it also means just letting go, and letting kids and young adults find their own way. I think, that if you have the foresight, hindsight and proper perspective and outlook on life's teachings, journeys and events - You'll see that even in the darkest of times, the light was always there. One is not able to peer into the darkness without some form of beam or vision. Knowing that we have that ability is the first step towards accountability, responsibility and awareness. I think the hard part is over now. The kids know where to look, what to look at, how to self reflect, how to negotiate, how to be humble and most importantly, how to (albeit slowly) integrate their (1) Shadow selves and (2) inner child into this thing called being an adult. The latter is hugely important because the inner child lives on in all of us. He/she lives through us and our actions. What we do to either quell or acknowledge him/her is our choice and responsibility. It is with proper, healthy and stable integration - that we blossom into our fullest selves. And this is where I will stop writing about this matter, for now. Because if I keep on writing, I could end up going on and on. And this would end up being a thesis. Not my intention for today. 'You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.' - Carl Jung 'Chau Tut' (pronounced Chow Toot) is a remarkable word. It's an adverb. A word that is related to how we perform an action. It's also used to describe a manner, or state of being. Like the words; strong, gentle or responsible. Being Chau Tut however, is the total opposite of all those examples. It describes a mental state of insanity, a silliness, a state of confusion. A person who is Chau Tut is somebody who has lost the plot or is acting from a premise of having one screw loose. Or is driving a car with one less wheel or missing a piston.
Essentially, the word has Cantonese origins. 'Chau' is to run. An action. 'Tut' however, has no origins anywhere (to my best linguistic understanding). And I do speak 3 languages. As far as I know, there is no 'Tut' (meaning, nor word) that exists in any language or dialect. But it does sound silly. So to Chau Tut means to Run Amok. Its uses goes something like this - 'That fella chau tut lah'. Or, 'That is so chau tut'. It expresses a mental state or action that is so impossibly off the scale that it is not to be taken seriously, whatsoever. By saying this or that is Chau Tut, signifies that the action is totally irresponsible, ridiculous and silly. The chances are, whatever it is hasn't been given any coherent thought to, prior to the action. Totally missing the point and the focus. How do people Chau Tut, and why? I think the word cropped up about 10 or more years ago. When one would be in an intoxicated state or messed up from hard drugs - It's one of those colloquial slangs. That on one hand although it's a terrible state to be in, but being able to say that oneself is Chau Tut also means that an awareness is at play. That one is at least aware enough that one is acting from a nonsensical point of reference. It can be a self regulating mantra. It serves as a warning that someone (or oneself) is off the rails. In BM it can be described as : 'Sudah masuk air' (translated to 'Water has entered the system'.) There's a sense of nonsense about the act or individual, or a sense of stupidity - depending on how severe the chau tut-ness is. The moral of the story is this : Don't chau tut, okay? 'The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.' - Carl Jung The Scorched Earth Series was an experiment in 2020 (Covid time) to utilise mediums and materials which were found locally or within my environment. To find meaning from the materials and to form an expression. In the search for meaning, I have had to look within (sometimes at uncomfortable things). There was no holding back, fearing, and no use fighting with the materials. It served one purpose : to bring forth and to reveal what was buried beneath the work. To put things into order from chaos. The essence of transcendence and transmutation is chiefly about this process. A painting or a work is never finished, it is interrupted. We cannot foretell the future - Only alter our memories of the past to fit our narratives. To learn from the past, to sort and shift - is what the work was about. There is time, and there are the times where we do work. Work doesn't happen on its own. I spent about 6 months making these (there are a few more, stored away). These were made in times of solitude, distress even, but there were always realizations and insights. And then one day, the works were done. I was done. I couldn't add nor remove anything from the works. 'Untitled', 60x60 inches, Mixed media on panel, 2020 'Illuvium I', 24x24 inches, Mixed media on panel, 2020 In a way, they exist in this space as a culmination of the materials they are composed of. They are byproducts of time and space. A becoming of something independent. Something which beckons to be seen, felt, experienced. Why do these things exist? There is no logical answer to that. We can try to decipher it - But it is quite impossible. And we live with that knowledge and limitation as best as we can. In the works, I'm not seeking representations. There's a premise of design : What feels right. What feels wrong. There exists beauty in design, but there's always an undertone of destruction and chaos. The work goes beyond paintings. Layer upon layer was built up. And removed. There's an aura to these works. A spirit and aesthetic; like an old musty book. There's something there which you can't put a finger on. It's this, but it's also something else. The leaves were randomly placed. Just chucked on. It's an organic method of working. Nature is chaotic and we create order from it. I intended the work to be serendipitous. On a walk to buy dinner one day, I may find some twigs on the floor. On another trip out, I may see a bunch of leaves but I don't collect it. So it's through trusting this intuition that the materials came to be on the canvas. The works naturally happened through curation. 'The Sun, The Moon and The Stars of Our Interior Lives', 60x120 inches, Mixed Media on canvas, 2020 The work comes from a place of connection and communication with the creative spirit. Just being in a flow state. There were no concepts, no one telling me outright what or what not to do. Curation is about the need to file things. To sort things. To rearrange the context of things. To put order to things is what creation is about. The works are also about death and impermanence. It's about letting go. It's about remembering the value, emotion and feelings of those that have passed. Something new breaks through the cracks when I destroy a work or a painting. There is a sense of adventure. It's bravado. It's about questioning the status quo. It's about reaching further. Of diving into the unknown. Of tapping into the cosmos; The great provider. Life lends itself to more life. It's about giving fear the middle finger - saying You there! You are bullshit. I'm not afraid of you. 'Scorched Earth', 36x36 inches, Mixed Media on panel, 2020. Sold 'Heart Of The Matter', 24x24 inches, Mixed Media on panel, 2020 The work is about time. A moment, a space and place which I exist and am tethered in. The series is a recording of that. It's about dreams, fears, ruminations. Of checks and balances.
Dried leaves and cement talks about decay and destruction. It talks about our time on earth and how and what we are doing to impose or improve on that. With the materials, I wanted to transmute things. To turn things into other things. It's up to the viewer to define what exactly it is we're talking about. And that's life isn't it? How we all look at things from the past and how we construct narratives from them to fit our frameworks. It's how we reform memories and events in order for it to suit us. So we can move forward. In making sense of things. Without this capacity, we'd be annihilated. We learn, and we get better. There is a sense of history in the work. Things are difficult, before they are easy. |
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